At the beginning of last year, just after the new year’s celebrations and the whole back to work and School thing, I found myself feeling really weird.
In all honestly, I could not even label it, I just felt overcome by such a heavy energy and I really was not sure what it was about. I sat with it and basically just asked internally- what is going on!
I knew in time it would make more sense. It felt like an ending, but a reluctant one you know!- like I wasn’t sure if I was on board with it.
So, I sat with it some more…
But I knew!
I think I’ve known for a while- and for a fact! that I didn’t want to be the ‘old me’ anymore, I really did not want to do any of it anymore! and it was time to decide! – but something inside me would not let it go!
Initially I thought- why not!
The thought of something new is exciting! so why am I holding back here- was I scared?
Yes, I was! On a very deep subconscious level I was scared.
I was saying: everything I had done for the last almost thirty years was not really me and I was tired of playing the role- and that is a very scary thing to have to admit to yourself. It brings up so many questions…
freedom lies in being bold – Robert Frost
Just to narrow this down a bit. For me in this moment it was about my career.
I hadn’t really worked full time since 2019 –
I was really happy to be home in 2020 (for obvious reasons) I accepted a temp assignment in 2021 for a short while and again in 2023- in 2022 I almost committed to an assignment but backed out.
Every time I did it. It just confirmed to me again and again that it was time to let it go- I just could not do it anymore! The Corporate world was just not for me anymore!
Lol, I really have to laugh at myself. Normally I am as smart as a whip, I must say! I can learn new things effortlessly and I mean I also have many years of experience to draw from – BUT
This time I was so uninterested – I could not even hide it.
For the most part I kept on thinking: I am so bored! And when can go home? – lmao!
I was at a crossroad!
I wondered why walking away from this was such a scary thing, considering that it was really never easy for me to begin with.
It always felt difficult, like going against the grain. There was a side of me that believed that I had to work a normal job for a salary, but another part of me pushed against it- and- only realizing it now, looking back, I think I acted out -without even knowing it- so I was a definite hostile participant
and
to be honest
the environment was hostile to me in return
and still it was difficult to let it go.
Why!
Why does release feel so much like giving up!
Especially when you don’t know what’s next. When you can’t answer the questions that fill your thoughts anxiously- if not this, what will you do? What else can you do it? Will you make a success of it? Or do you just want to do nothing now!
I realized that there was a part of me that identified with working in the corporate sector so strongly, like it was who I am – but I know it’s not- it was just what I did!
I also thought others would judge me as a failure just for walking away- but I think it was mainly me, my own judgement toward myself!
Because honestly, I’ve never been one to concern myself with what other people think.
Why! Are we so hard on ourselves!
My mother was the dominant figure in my life growing up, my Dad was quite passive. She was a primary school teacher and believed that if you want something in life you have to go out and make it happen – you have to work hard! Not doing anything – or something considered to be silly was not an option – and especially for me being the first born.
So, I think I just fell into the first thing and ran with it, and told myself I didn’t have the luxury of exploring. Being the first born does come with a little extra pressure, whether we like it or not.
Studying full time was also not an option, so I just had to find the job first and then take it from there.
When I read this, it made so much sense…
freedom means the opportunity to be what we never thought we would be – Daniel J Boorstin
Dr. Joe Dispenza says that 95% of who we are by the time we are 35 is programmed – think about that for a second or just read it again- let it sink in. 95%!
So of course it would be hard, or even scary to walk away from a life you know. To set yourself free from that could be quite devastating!
Maybe even especially for my generation (Gen X) – we were not encouraged to dream really! We just had to suck it up and get on with it!
So essentially It is letting go of a believe– and that is one of the hardest things to do – it is so deeply rooted in us, that in so many cases we can’t see beyond that.
The truth is, this is the best time to be alive really, we are freer than we have ever been. For the most part everyone is so busy living their own truth that nobody should really worry about being judged.
In many cases though people still very much cling to a life that they can only complain about for the sake of safety.
No judgement!
We can only do what we are brave enough to do- and one should always make the decision that is right for you.
I can’t do that anymore!
So the thing I want to do now, is the thing that truly resonates with my soul. I do not want to be stuck in an Office all day long.
The world has changed so much, and a part of me almost feel like I am late to the party and that I should have done this a long time ago- but, better late than never!
I have a vision; I am playing the long game – and this blog is step one!
So, this is what I tell myself now: You are free! Free to do what makes you happy, you have value to add- in a field that sets your soul on fire- so go!
Let your new path unfold and reveal itself to you!
J
xo
