Wow! I definitely did not have this in mind when I woke up this morning!
I’m not sure why not, because it is the 8th of December already. I should want to decorate; I should want to put up the Christmas tree! It would be nice…
Nice to look at!
And just maybe change or enhance the vibe in the house a bit. Bring in the Christmas spirit!
So, I got up and checked all the cupboards to find where I stored all the Christmas Tree and decorations. As I was doing this, I realized that this has made me realize that the end of the year is near – and this made me realize what a crazy year this has been!
I realized a lot of things in that short span of time- yes!
I realize that!
We’ve seen this many times on tv, where someone pauses and then rewinds with great speed back to a particular point of time. In my mind I did that, back to the beginning of 2025.
The year actually started off great!
I think! Yeah… It did!
I love the beginning of a new year! I don’t know about you, but to me it’s the best time! The air feels new and electric! The weather is great, I have a pep in my step, and I am excited about what the year could bring.
I felt good!
For the first time in a long time actually! I was optimistic and ready for something. I say that because in hindsight I wasn’t really very specific or sure about what exactly I was ready for. Looking back now I see just how in two minds I really was.
Life was about to show me…
knowing yourself is the beginning of all wisdom – Aristotle
On one hand there was the old and familiar!
A corporate job!
The thing that regardless of whether it worked for me or not, still felt safe! True or false, it provides a sense of security that I think we all want – and…
There was definitely a part of me that still wanted to proof something to people I really didn’t owe anything to.
Or could it be that I wanted to avoid the condescending: You look good! from “friends” that left out the rest of the thought, but from reading their expression, it goes something like…
For someone who’s unemployed!
Ha ha ha!!!
But it would make sense! On some level.
This was my identity for so long, it made sense to me, it made sense to everyone else around me. It provided me with a sense of accomplishment.
Okay, I wasn’t exactly climbing the corporate ladder working as a Payroll Administrator! But it was something! Something that signaled to others that I have achieved some small percentage of success! All be it, just the fact that I have a job!
My life has meaning and I have purpose!
That is so messed up!
I say that because I truly do believe that we find our identity is so many external things- that really has so little to do with who we really are.
But nevertheless, the Universe said:
Okay, let’s play!
And low and behold, I was contacted by a recruitment consultant out of the blue. Her client was looking for a Payroll Administrator, and she found my CV online and wanted to know if I was interested.
I liked what I heard. The size of the Company, the systems they used, the job spec, the salary, the location – and I agreed to a date and time for an interview.
There was a vague nagging voice asking the question: Are you really doing this?
Don’t get me wrong! A great many people spend their entire lives in the corporate world – and they’ll tell you they were happy. It was what they wanted. Now, whether or not I find that hard to believe is beside the point. We are taught so many things in this life. (and when I say taught, I mean programmed) We are taught that if you were not born rich, the only way to make money is to get a job. Being an artist, of any kind will ensure your eternal state of broke ness. All absolute nonsense of course- but in my neck of the woods, it’s still very much the tune.
And it is very typical for my generation!
So needless to say, for me this was a point of contention…
I had just survived, by the skin of my teeth, my own deprogramming. Everything external to me was removed, all the noise. I was isolated and forced to get to know the real me. So naturally, the question; do you like working a corporate job came up.
I didn’t!
It did nothing for me. It did not ignite anything inside of me. It didn’t feel like a fire burning inside me and making its way out in the form of some kind of artistic expression. In other words, it was not soul work- it was just a job! I never the less did the job well, because anything worth doing should be done to the best of your ability – right!
And, I loved the order of it! The factualness! Is that a word? I looked at the process like baking a cake, collecting all the ingredients and mixing it together to marvel at the beautiful end result (metaphor for collecting all the information for a successful pay run) and then taking it all apart again to show how you got there step by step (metaphor for record keeping, month end reporting and reconciliations)
If you look closely, that is ART!
You can see this in so many, if not all things in life if you really give it a good look.
The question then is just, Is this MY art?
No!
It made me feel restricted and confined. I both wanted to be there and escape it at the same time, all the time!
Yes! They paid me to keep me in place from eight to five – but was it worth it?
And here I was…
New! And improved really! But still wanting to fit neatly into the community I had come from. I still wanted them to understand me – and not alienate myself from the only life/ lifestyle I had ever known.
I will forever understand just how hard it is to break free from societal norms, programming and the expectations of those we care about – and even the ones we don’t care about!
Now mind you, like I mentioned before, I had time- time to explore me! Who I was without anyone telling me who I am. What I liked, what excited me? And what the things were -that when I was doing it, I felt so happy it didn’t feel like work at all -and I never once looked at the time.
I sat down and explored my love for writing and beautiful things. As difficult as it was, I sat down and with the help of lots of YouTube videos I created my very own lifestyle blog. I initially wrote 15 blog posts – and I have to say, looking at it filled me with so much joy.
It’s beautiful!
To look at! And…
I think it’s interesting to read.
I might want to refine it a little yes! And I am not sure how I want to incorporate spirituality into it and demonstrate how applicable it is to everyday life just yet. But I will figure it out, surely!
Rome was not built in a day!
But I closed this website, so that I was the only one that could see it.
Before I can become and expert on anything, I must first become an expert on me – Charles F Glassman
Why!
but I guess I could give you many reasons if I had to list them.
Let’s start with, where I come from, nobody actually has the luxury of doing this fulltime and making actual money from it. Was I ready for this? For people to actually see who I really am? To put myself out there! Would they be interested in anything I had to say? Is this website good enough? Am I good enough?
Can you see the reassurance a regular job provides here – and why after everything, I could find comfort there and tell myself at least I tried to do something else.
I was looking at both these options and the scarier one of the two was my absolute favourite!
And still! I was once again willing to give it up to conform.
The Universe intervened again!
I did not get the job!
But I also did not continue to pursue the writing or just getting my blog out there into the world. Instead, I just fell back and pretended to be confused again- not sure of what to do next.
Another year is almost over. It has been crazy and confusing in ways I will write about as time goes on.
It’s an ending…
that we can actually count down.
I have decided that this is an ending for me too!
The end of wasting my own time. The end of making excuses and being too scared to take the first step. The end of pretending that I don’t know what I want. The end of pretending that I have to fit into a mold when there’s a whole big world out there. The end of waiting for conditions to be perfect.
Life is for the living, and if you trust life to take you where you want to go, it will!
I have looked back on this year we are about to close out, and while I have the wisdom to understand that nothing is ever a waste of time, I do want to promise myself that I will be making all the changes I have to, to finally curate a life I can be in love with.
..in that moment I know this is what I must do with my life, do away with the predictable, the mundane, and hurl myself into the unknown – Soulla Christodoulou, Allexander and Maria
This is the time, I think! To take a look and see if this year was what you would have liked it to be – and to determine if it brought you closer or took you further away from your truth!
I think the final lesson here for me is -It is all up to you!
You decide!
But you must also take the action and bet on yourself!
Enjoy the final days of the year and the holidays -and remember to take that leap of faith!
For yourself!
Xoxo
J
