My mom passed away in 2015. My last living parent, my dad passed away in 2008.
Soon after, or not very long after, we (the children) sold our parental house – and when it was time we all got together there to pack up and get ready to hand over the property. I will always remember that day, because up until that day I hadn’t really cried or mourned my mother.
Nothing shady, it’s just my process. I will process the emotions when I’m there, instead of feeling like I have to – now!
So, I guess packing everything up and walking out of an empty house I had lived in for many years did the trick – and I was overcome with knowing that it was truly over.
They were gone- she was gone! And then I cried…
Each of us took some things to our own houses that we still needed to sort through. I can’t remember what I was looking for, but my brother brought over a stack of my mother’s documents for me to sort through.
I will never forget, my family and I, all together in the dining area- going through the paperwork- opening everything and checking twice to see if it can be tossed or if it was important enough to keep on file.
I found a white envelope, addressed to me in between the documents. It looked so well preserved. Like it was opened once and then buried under other documents- and it was never touched again.
It was an official letter. I saw the stamp and I wondered what this letter (that I had never seen before) could possibly say.
As I unfolded the letter, I started reading as soon as I could see the words, but I struggled, because I could actually not believe what my eyes were seeing.
I told myself to stop and start over
Read it again!
From the beginning
just slower this time…
Fate shuffles the cards and we play – Arthur Schopenhauer
The letter was from the local teaching college (Dower Teaching College – and I’m referring to the early 90’s now) In fact this letter was about entrance to this College for the 1992 academic year.
It read: it is with great pleasure that we inform you (insert my name) that you have been accepted into our institution to study towards a teacher’s diploma- starting January 1992.
I was shocked!
I had never seen this letter before! A letter that was written almost twenty-five years ago!
I applied yes!
In my mind I just never heard back from them – but I did!
I’m sure I don’t have to tell you now, that I never attended.
My Mother (or both my parents) decided to put that letter away and never tell me about it. I will never know what lead them to that decision.
I remember at that time, things were not great for us financially, yes! – so maybe that was their reason, they needed me to work and earn some money!
And yet I know others who were also financially challenged back then, that attended, surely there would have been a way!
But, this decision was made for me, I had absolutely no say in the matter- and it was made so absolutely!
Like it was a pact!
A promise, or rather a vow of silence- no one will ever tell!
I wonder if she meant to destroy the letter and if she just maybe forgot over time.
Was I meant to ever find it?
Or know?
I wonder!
It was certainly not a question of my intellect! I have always been a very smart girl!
So, this really got me thinking.
And me being me, I always go for the root of something- and I wondered about fate and destiny.
Was it my destiny to be a School Teacher? Was it fate that derailed it?
What is fate? What is Destiny?
According to the Oxford dictionary, this is the definition
- FATE
The development of events outside a person’s control, regarded as predetermined by a supernatural power
‘Fate decided his course for him’
A definition I like (a simple one) Fate is you and other people. Everyone plays a part to bring this about
- DESTINY
The events that will necessarily happen to a particular person or thing in the future
‘She was unable to control her own destiny’
A definition I like (a simple one) Destiny is something that only YOU can fulfill – alone! It is only you – yours!
Actions are the seed of fate, deeds grow into destiny – Harry S Truman
I am not a schoolteacher now, and for the most part I really don’t care! I’m not sure if I would’ve liked it. Even though, when I look at myself, I do see, as part of my personality, a trait that could have made me a good Teacher.
I believe if I was given the opportunity, I would have made a success of it!
I honestly would have felt compelled to!
For my parents’ sake most probably.
I would have had more stability most probably because with teaching comes almost unmatched job security. Teachers tend to stay until retirement – it’s the only thing you do- and I’m sure if you had to ask seasoned teachers, they would say it’s a calling rather than a career.
Not for everyone of course!
Many people only did it because it was the easiest avenue to explore.
I am still not saying it would have been rainbows and unicorns.
I could have been deeply unhappy too, but then- what was I going to do about it?
Instead, I got a job in a factory in 1994.
I worked in the factory on the shop floor for a while (about a year and a half) and then ended up in the Human Resources Department. I was given the opportunity purely based on who I am- meaning it clearly suited my personality as well (like I mentioned above with the teaching)
I was also given the opportunity to study. I ended up dropping out halfway.
I was a generalist, but later decided to specialize in Payroll Administration. And I managed to complete quite a few payroll courses.
I had such wonderful opportunities in this field early on already, it exposed me to so many things I might otherwise never have experienced.
And this was in 1999 – when this kinda thing wasn’t available to all so easily!
To this day the only time I ever flew business class was on a work trip- and I haven’t been able to stay (for a week) at a high-end hotel at the V & A Waterfront in Cape Town since!
Complete with the driver waiting for me with my name on a board in arrivals. The latter happened a few times- and I must admit, I enjoyed that!
But here I also had my challenges, it always felt like swimming upstream.
It was just not easy!
And I’m not talking about doing the work – that was the easy part.
I mean it never felt natural to me. It never felt like I was doing something I loved.
When I was at work, I always felt like there’s so many other places I would rather be.
So, what am I saying?
How do I feel about this? Does it matter? Does any of it matter at the end of the day. Was any of these two paths my destiny?
Let me see if I can unpack this
A decision was made for me, that sent me off in an entirely different direction.
It had its ups and downs – the other option would have had its own highs and lows – I’m sure!
and of course, teaching has its own intangible rewards you know- the sense of accomplishment from knowing you helped shape young minds.
A nice feeling– I’m sure!
But here’s the thing
I believe: God has the last say. If it was written in my stars that I had to end up as a Teacher at a School, I would have.
So, in my mind, I didn’t lose anything.
When attending the Teachers College was taken away from me, another, different path presented itself. Both these paths would suit me and my personality, but
Was that my destiny? Was I meant to go that way?
Did the other path have a greater purpose?
Was it necessary for my own personal development? Was I meant to stay there?
No!
because I’m not there now
It was also not my destiny.
I think – had I become a Teacher, I maybe would’ve felt like I had to stay until retirement, and I maybe would have never explored anything else. Hopefully I would have been brave enough still – idk?
Maybe It was easier for me to escape the corporate world and to ask myself: what is it that you really want to do?
I am just starting to explore and already I can say, this feels more like it!
This feels like it’s flowing from a place inside of me
So, I guess I want to say, I will never know why my mom/ Parents made that decision, but I know one thing is true for all us.
No person can change another’s destiny
Someone can derail you maybe, and send you off in an entirely different direction, but you will end up exactly where you were meant to be!
Much like Joseph, who was sold into slavery -and it looked like his story was over- and yet he was always moving towards his destiny!
That’s how I believe our own destiny is always beckoning- and if you make a point of listening – and you’re willing to follow that nudge- and you’re not scared of walking away from something you know is not working – you will step into it.
And if you really have a calling – something you came to this earth already equipped to do
Meaning, everything you need to make a success of it is already inside of you, naturally!
It is a talent, that needs nurturing, not something you can get from a degree per say – follow that call!
and tell yourself that everything else was just to help you grow – and to help you to get to where you always needed to be.
There’s no blame, there’s no wrong path or right path, there’s only the path that leads you to your destiny.
I get it! Life can be scary!
And when times are tough, we make decisions based on that specifically! And that is what was done on my behalf.
But my destiny has always been my own!
So, I want to do what I came here to do. I want to self-actualize
Will it sustain me? Maybe right now the obvious answer is no! Factually!
But I’m just starting off- and I have no idea where this will lead me, but I do know this!
It feels natural to me, I am surprised at how much I like sitting down and writing my thoughts and feelings – and if this is my destiny (and I know it is) of course it will sustain me!
And that is good enough for me right now!
Xo!
