Does that sound dramatic? I hope so, because that is absolutely what I was going for – lol!
I’m sure you’ve heard that the words I AM are a powerful combination. In the Bible- it is said that it is the very name of God! The name God used when Moses asked Who shall I say sent me- God said I AM THAT, I AM!
So based on that, you are to be very careful when using these words in your own life, be conscious or deliberate about what you place after these words, because it is like casting a spell. Like how saying I am the body electric, energizes your entire being and how saying something like, I am sick and tired, instantly makes you feel depleted.
So why all the drama?
Here? Now?
This is a big deal for me. To say that I am truly and finally ready to just do it and jump in the deep end – and be ready to talk about all of it, because I finally feel like I can make sense of it all. My life, over the last few years, that is…
It has been such a long time coming. So long in fact, that at certain points I wasn’t sure if I had lost the plot completely or if I was still moving forward, albeit like a crab!
I knew I wanted to blog, I want to write!
And yet it felt nearly impossible at times! And made me think that maybe this was not the thing for me- but the desire would not let me forget about it.
I now I know it was just a question of timing!
Because, was getting a Blog up and running really such a monumental task?
No! It really isn’t!
Or let’s say the pendulum swings from easy to hard depending on the task at hand (for someone who didn’t know anything about WordPress etc.) – but still!
It is totally doable!
The only time you fail is when you fall down and stay down – Stephen Richards
And one can have it set up and running in no time really!
It was quite easy finding the right company to get my domain and hosting package from. It was also easy finding a WordPress theme I liked and having it installed. Then there was learning how to actually build the website- that was hard! It was a major headache for me because I really didn’t know anything! I had to use YouTube tutorials and follow along. I made mistakes and sometimes I was so lost I had to search for the answers I needed to feel like I was back on track again.
But I was determined! And I love learning new things – it keeps life fresh and interesting!
And slowly but surely it started to take shape.
While I was working on the website, I also took the time to write the blog posts- on topics close to my heart and some just because I enjoy the subject matter and or sharing my experiences. I told myself that I would write 15 blogs to start off with.
That is a lot!
For a start! I mean, when you look it up, people say just start with one- it’s fine, just as long as you start. But I wanted it to be perfect! I wanted the entire thing done, all the blogs posted, all my social media links up and running, a newsletter ready to go – my privacy and cookie policy all in place. And the more I pushed for that, the more it seemed impossible!
I now realize that this in itself was a very important life lesson for me.
Everything in life has steps to it- and that’s the only way to do something, step by step. I wanted to present something, fully completed, because in my mind that would mean that it’s perfect and ready. There’s so much to unpack here with that statement alone! and we will do that for sure in another blog.
But for now, let’s stay on this topic!
I have been wanting to do this for the longest time. I’m talking 2012, 2013, 2014 etc…
But back then I was still employed fulltime, and without even realizing it at the time, I was on the brink of a very important period in my own life. I mean on a very deeply personal note.
I was in the eye of the storm at the time, so to speak! And I didn’t even know it! I had no idea that situations I had back in 2010 was just the beginning of a string of tumultuous events that would ultimately lead me here.
I was a fully functional woman, wife, mother, daughter, sister, friend and colleague – and I was also hurt, angry, confused and disappointed about things that had already transpired – but I pushed it all aside, because if you’re alive and you want to stay in the game you have to keep on putting one foot in front of the other.
Side note!
Personally, I think this right here is the recipe that leaves people with such regret when the end is near. It’s the; I should’ve been honest then or maybe I should not have been so quick to walk away, or even maybe I should have done the hard thing then, because that is what I really wanted…
And we’re back…
We are not humans having a spiritual experience, we have spiritual beings having a human experience – Pierre Teilhard de Chardin
besides, I was very much still operating on the system I was brought up on – no time and space for feelings! I had tons of unresolved issues and feelings alive within me, I knew it was there – I just don’t think I really knew what to do with it then. Emotional maturity or just development, wasn’t -or I want to say isn’t (still) a big thing where I come from
So, I pushed aside what was there already and carried on.
I did my best, but inevitably living means making more mistakes along the way!
And victories! Yes! There were those as well obviously! Such good moments, they make you forget
Wow! Thinking back now as I’m writing this makes me smile. I have changed and grown so much since then! Who was I back then? What was my world view?
Just to scratch the surface;
I thought God was an old man in the sky then.
I didn’t know about Veganism! Oh my! 2012 me probably thought people could not live on plants alone – wow!
And even though I have always had prophetic dreams, I wasn’t quite tuned in! to spiritually that is!
And I really didn’t think too deeply about things like intuition
And honestly, I could definitely not understand most of my dreams anyway. Luckily for me the major ones are etched on my soul, so I will never forget them! even now I can recall them and find that I can actually make sense of them better now.
I don’t think I ever gave myself the grace I needed. I don’t think I ever just allowed myself to feel and connect with myself – I was truly just the character I played in the game of life at that stage. Maybe, mostly being who I was told or expected to be.
This is not a post of negative self-talk or an attempt to make myself feel or look bad for not knowing then what I know now – no!
Why would it be? So many people sleepwalk through life from beginning to end- and no judgement! We all have our own paths to follow.
It is a testimony
Because it all came to a head!
2016 was a pivotal turning point for me!
Let me say that again!
Everything changed for me then!
I finally got to the point where I just had enough!
I needed everything to stop!
It kinda sounds like a choice here, but I really don’t think it was- it was just absolutely necessary!
Necessary for me to get off the proverbial spinning merry go round – and check in and take stock. – And be okay with it carrying on without me!
It sounds so simple here right now- it was anything but!
They call it an awakening! A moment where you wake up and finally see life for what it really is
Where you basically take a journey through your own life, back to childhood, and then all the way back to the present again – and deal with every single thing you didn’t or couldn’t before!
On one hand I felt so very willing to do this, I was in! I knew I needed it – and at the same time the identity I had up until then fought me every step of the way. Fighting for its own survival -right or wrong does not even factor into this. Then there’s the generational trauma and repeating patterns and suddenly it feels like you’re drowning in the pain of your entire bloodline.
I have to say being a willing participant means nothing! It does not make any of it easier, at all! You ask yourself; how did I get stuck with this?
You do research and educate yourself, trying to understand what is happening! But there simply is no bypass here – Once the train has left the station, that is it!
It’s also a lonely journey, it isolates you, even in your very own home. The people you share everything with, you really can’t do that this time.
Believe me I’ve tried!
You find yourself trying to explain what you’re going through and seeing in their eyes, as they look at you, that they just simply don’t understand you- and I knew that had to be okay with me! But there’s always one, one that tries to understand, even though it’s not necessarily their path. Thank goodness!
For the most part though, you are basically two versions of yourself for a long time- the old you that they know and love and can relate to – and the you that you are becoming!
Before publishing my blog, I went over all the blog posts I had written quite a while ago. I considered deleting them, because I can see how a point of view I had a year ago could have changed by now. I decided to keep all of it though, because watching something or someone evolve can never be dull in my opinion. And if it was your truth once- own it!
I read them and realized I wanted to keep my writing light then. I didn’t want to touch on topics that felt too heavy and deep. Yes, I will always look at everything from a spiritual point of view, but I still wanted to “just have fun”
I know now that I was at a stage then where I wasn’t quite sure about where I was on this journey, and if I felt confident enough with my knowledge and experience on topics such as Spirituality, wounding, healing, a relationship with God, self-worth and self-esteem, authenticity in a world of conformity, generational trauma and patterns, delusions and illusions, boundaries and even what self-love really entails – just to name a few!
How hurtful it can be to deny one’s true self and live a life of lies jut to appease others – June Ahern
I am now- I’m sure I want to go down this particular rabbit hole… To explore the above topics and so much more- and to find the people who share this interest.
To find my tribe really!
I know I am ready!
Xo
J
