I really struggled to settle on a title for this post- and then decided I could really look at it from all the above angles.
I am not happy with the state of my health at the moment and when I say health, to me that includes my BMI- and I sat and thought of how I got here? A place I vowed I would never be!
Yes, I am overweight, obese really, if you calculate my BMI I am obese! – and that makes me cringe! I want to cover my face with both my hands, out of sheer embarrassment, like one of my favourite emoji’s.
I am not a big eater in general, I would take little bites here and there -I love variety more than volume really!
and if I managed to eat a plate of food, that would keep me until the next day. So really, it is not about volume for me.
I feel like as a child I was so disciplined, I did not care for bread at all, I would eat it with all the crusts removed.
My Mom really loved cooking and baking- but I never participated in the eating of Scones and Koeksiters, Milktart and so on- it was really just not my thing and nothing could really change my mind at that point.
I much later in life learnt that I am gluten and wheat intolerant.
I found it so fascinating when I first learnt that! I took that as one of the ways our soul tries to tell us things if we are willing to listen.
As a child I must have known on some level –
so, I was never even tempted to eat the baked goods my Mom always had on hand.
I was also diagnosed with a cow’s milk allergy very early in life and was told to stay away from dairy entirely because I also have eczema and that could trigger a flare up.
My husband finds this so fascinating because he likes to say- no! we are Gen X’ers – we don’t have food allergies!
A sad soul can be just as lethal as a germ – John Steinbeck
that is a lie of course, but I see his point. Nowadays children have more allergies than not.
So, I was aware of the dairy, but had no idea about the gluten and wheat.
As I grew up the eczema got really dormant, and I almost forgot I had it.
So, over the years I just ate the dairy and didn’t think it was a big deal, even though it was noticeable that it was not easy for my body to digest.
I kept on avoiding bread as far as possible because it is not a pleasant experience for me. It actually feels weird going down my throat- and this is with chewing my food very well- lol!
I eat incredibly slow!
My mother was overweight, and she told me that as a child I told her that I never ever want to be overweight like her.
That’s the thing with me, I am very honest in my communication and that is not even to offend anyone, it’s my truth and I want to voice it!
So, fast-forward to my mid-thirties and out of the blue, as in from nowhere! My eczema came back with a vengeance!
Oh my gosh! It had a problem with everything!
All of a sudden, my skincare products didn’t work for me anymore, I had to stop my birth control, I could not colour my hair anymore (not without a massive reaction that is) and I would just have these outrages flare ups – obviously from the dairy I was eating so casually.
I had to stop abruptly!
I don’t have flare ups anymore really (touch wood) but I have switched the dairy for alternatives- even though I here and there still take liberties.
I do however have very sensitive and reactive skin that I guess I will have to deal with forever.
I generally just have to be very careful of the products I use.
I will always wish I could have a tattoo (even just a tiny one) but that would be a mistake. I am even allergic to Henna!
I got a Henna tattoo at a carnival once and subsequently had to see my Docter because my skin had a bad reaction to it and got infected.
A healthy outside starts from the inside – Robert Urich
So, what about the weight? What on earth happened?
Over the years I have managed to maintain my weight pretty much, because like I said, I am not a big eater. Yes, I’ve had times when I was very thin and times when I was a little overweight.
I had some babies (2) in between, so it was all to be expected.
In late 2014 going into 2016 though, oh my gosh, everything changed for me.
It is amazing how we think that we can remain unaffected by events in our lives or maybe just think that we are dealing with it, but we’re really not…
And it actually affects us on a very deep level. A level where you actually need some professional help navigating it.
That is what happened to me anyway!
My mother passed in 2015 suddenly and we all dealt with it well I would say and on top of that, I had just gone through a very traumatic relationship experience.
I will not go into detail here, that is a story for another post.
I do however want to show how emotional trauma can affect us in a way that we cannot even see the connection initially.
Here, I want to tell you how this translated to me “eating my feelings”
Remember how I said I was not one for baked goods before?
Suddenly I was – everyday!
By nature, I am a consistent person, but everything has it’s negative side. Lucky for me, baked goods was my darkest vise.
So, every day I would eat some form of baked good, be it koeksiters, Tinkies, donuts and so on. Let me not make a list because it would be long!
This relationship thing had ongoing repercussions – it was not one of those things you can deal with today and tomorrow start moving on from it, no! it lingered and actually became more difficult with time. I would say, one of those things that gets way worse before it gets better.
The nature of the situation, I think, is what made it impossible for me to deal with, it was one of those things where you can’t even openly show how hurt you are by everything that has happened- I had to pretend to be okay. So, eating baked goods became the only way I could nurse my feelings.
I tried therapy for a bit – but having to pretend to be okay was a priority at that stage – so I ate! All the wrong things.
My belly started swelling like a balloon! I obviously picked up weight as well, but it was all very unnatural, like I said a balloon belly!
So, I went to doctors and dieticians and allergist and it was found to be gluten and wheat intolerance- and obviously all the refined sugars as well.
It made sense, considering the things I was eating then.
It essentially means that I if I was a car, I have been putting the wrong fuel in my tank for years and of course it has caused a lot of damage.
I have done so much research because I want to know if there is a way of reversing all the damage I have done. This is about my body exclusively or selectively. My mental well-being is a whole other blog (or blogs lol)
There will be more on this, so please check in again.
I would love to have you
xo
